I used to think I had everything figured out. Alone and ok with it, I had a pretty good handle on my life. I had my routine, and things were going along pretty fine, at least that's what I told myself. I used to say that there was someone for everyone, except me. All the rules of love applied to everyone, except me. I wasn't lonely, though. I just accepted my fate. Then he came along and changed everything. I should have said no, I should have walked away. He told me he just wanted to have a fling and that was all, and I lied and said that was fine with me. I've never had a fling in my life. I just knew that he and I were meant to be together, so I went with it, followed my instinct, so to speak. That was nearly two years ago. This has been a very bad year for me. We're coming up on two years, now. I know to steer clear of the holidays. My birthday and Valentine's Day are out of the question. It was the third week of January this year that things took a bad turn. I'm afraid that when we've crossed two years things will get even worse. I felt things this year I haven't felt in many years; self-loathing, deep depression and suicidal thoughts hounded me. I got through it without telling a soul; I don't know if I can stand having things get any worse. When we're together, it's like we've never been apart. But when we're apart, it feels like the end of the world. I have an ulcer. My body's falling apart. I feel old, fat, ugly and worthless. And with one look from him it all changes. And he has no idea.
